Drank Up In My Cup

Back when the Ill Community was jumping, somebody posted this in the Grown and Sexy and I thought it was funny so I put it on my Myspace blogs. Herney thought it was so funny, so I dug it up for him and posted it. It IS pretty funny though, and I fucks with Beyonce the long way (not as long as Hova, holla at cha boy) but if these bitches dont start thinking for themselves…they gonna wind up single at 54.

My friends Cedric and Chris informed me that I should listen to Beyonce’s new CD. They explained that aesthetically, it had little to offer, but it does reflect the collective conscious of young females today… “you need to listen to it, for research purposes really.”

Beyonce is a microcosm of the media itself: I can’t tell if she is simply just an accurate reflection of society, or does she actively influence society. Basically, is she revolutionary or reactionary? Is she a product of the archetypal circumstances of today’s contemporary women, or is she a brave new artistic mind scribing and singing her way into history….. Then I realized she’s just a dumb bitch with a record deal and I had a half of sandwich in the fridge anyway, so I went eat that shit and forgot about this chic for a second.

Now, I’m back. I ate my sandwich then listened to a few of these songs while practicing my Spanish, so I didn’t give this shit 100% attention. Then I realized it’s so damn stupid you don’t have to.

I scheduled an hour dedicated to a blog today. Now I could have written something about strippers, how cool I am, or just made fun of retards and this would have been pretty easy; however, I tackled a very difficult and painstaking subject for me, Pop Music. I should pat myself on the back, or at least give myself a handjob. Who knows, it’s still early! Ok, I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite philosophers:

Voltaire once said, “Anything too stupid to be spoken is usually sung.”

I never really believed him until now.

Let me hit you with a review of a few songs:

Upgrade U – Beyonce here is saying that she’s so great that any man she gets with will be upgraded and introduced to new and better things. Now I can’t knock B for this; it fits her. Best believe if I was dating her, my fake ass chain, old ass shoes, and broke ass watch would be sitting right next to Whitney Houston’s Grammy in some pawn shop. And I’d be draped in new clothes, driving a new car, and knowing how to Valet park and use a baday and shit like that. The problem with this song is that these young women today are actually pretending to identify with this bullshit cut. You see them in triaffic, driving a car they don’t own, going to their low-paying jobs, and singing this shit in their rearview. An upgrade to these bitches is getting their meal supersized, point blank. I’ve never met a bitch around here who could do nothing but lower my credit score and IQ if I married her. Yeah, keep your upgrades you silly dames; I’ll be on a jet ski somewhere between the tropics of Cancer and Capricorn.

Irreplaceable – This shit is hilarious! In a world where women are viewed as a commodity, like ketchup or toothpaste. Beyonce for some reason thinks that she’s somehow superior to any man and can replace them with anyone. This is where Beyonce’s insecurity comes busting out the seams like Rosie O Donnell in tights. She’s having man problems. So what does she do, kick her man out and talk about how she will have another “man here in a minute.” Instead of breaking up with her man and engaging in contemplative, progressive thinking and behavior, she simply finds another man, destined to repeat the same cycle (which is cool for me because if she works like this, I can’t be that far down on the list! When it’s my turn to date her, I’m totally gonna make a sex tape and sell that shit!). It’s evident she can’t function without a man. We’re all the same; she just needs pretty much any man to be with her. She then says, “you must not know bout me.” More corny ass braggadocios crap from this corny ass song. No real man really gives a shit how easily a chic can pull some other guy. Men give a fuck about three things: Is she crazy? Is she tolerable enough to be around? Is she fine? We don’t care about your self esteem! That’s why it’s called “self” esteem! Chances are once you ruin one of those three prerequisites, we could care less about how “strong” you are or if you even get a new man. This song is obviously not for guys to listen to (unless they want to chuckle), but it shouldn’t be listened to by women either. It pumps pseudo-confidence into insecure, women who feel hurt. They might hear this song and do some dumb shit, like break up with their man. Ladies, if you have a good man, hold on to him because good men are a lot more rare than good women. We can replace you very easily, we just don’t make corny songs about it. Keep bumping this shit and watch you fuck your life up. Because once the song stops and you’re alone in your parents house after he kicked you out, you’ll hate Beyonce for ruining your life.

Suga Mama – Finally, a song I can groove to! Seriously the beat starts off nice. Then Beyonce comes singing some bullshit and fucks it all up. This beat would have been a perfect for Ghostface or Bronze Nazareth! What a wast! She’s talking about how she’s gonna buy her man all kinds of shit and do all kinds of shit for her man! Wow, seriously, I can’t wait until Beyonce replaces enough men and it’s my turn! I’m gonna get her to buy me a fuckin Tiger! I’m gonna name him Tony, and we’re gonna eat Frosted Flakes and watch Sportscenter on my 50 inch plasma!. Now for Beyonce, this is a good look; I’m starting to like this dumb hoe! But sadly, little girls shouldn’t listen to this. We’re gonna have stupid ass chics going out and spending their money foolishly on the men in their life, only to drive them deeper into debt. This song is about as good for the female populous as cars without air bags. Ladies, please don’t listen to this stupid shit, unless you’re currently seeing me, then it’s cool! Women suck at life; it’s sort of an unspoken truth, but fuck it, I’ll say it (haha what are they gonna do, beat me up AHAHHAHAHAHAAHAAA!). Seriously, most of the chics around here are living with and off their fam/man, can’t hustle, can’t learn, can’t make any moves. The last thing they need is to spend their money on guys! Stack your paper ladies, stack it high. Don’t spend it foolishly! The sad thing is that most of the women around here are too stupid to be anything more than impulsive, miserable replicas of their mothers, but they are just smart enough to realize how stupid and hopeless they are… and that drives them to insanity! It’s the plight of the down south rural girl. I feel for it. I do. You chics can start by being smart with your money. (Damn, did I just talk about everybody’s moms!!??… OH NO I DI’NNT)

Ring the Alarm – Beyonce is trying to come across as angry, mad, and focused! It’s about as convincing as Jerry Sienfield playing one of Marlo Stanfield’s hit men in The Wire. Beyonce is mad because her man is cheeting and getting out of line, an in this song, she’s gonna show her frustrated and angry side. Seriously Beyonce, nobody is buying this shit. Drop it. I love when women pretend to be edgy. To all the stupid girls listening to this shit and getting amped, just take a deep breath, watch Grey’s Anatomy or whatever the fuck you watch, and stuff your face with ice cream. Seriously, you know you gonna cheer up in thirty minutes anyway. The chics around here might have a chip on their shoulder for a second, but then they usually take that chip off and eat it. Problem solved. Nobody takes an angry women seriously. As guys, we might be scared ya’ll gonna slash our tires or tell our mama we gave yall Aids or something, but you can’t do no real damage. It’s cute when women get mad though, but don’t let this song get the estrogen pumping. Just press skip.

Uhhhhhhhh, I’m exhausted! This was the hardest blog I ever had to write. That music made my IQ drop 10 points, I swear.